Not Your Average Pregnancy Journey
I have been wanting to write this post for awhile now--but I just haven't had the time, nor could I find the words. I think 9 months later I'm finally ready to open up about a lot of my pregnancy journey. It starts out not so pretty, but I promise it has a happy ending. My one request is that you please show me grace and understanding as I share my heart with you.
Finding out we were pregnant, a month after getting married, was terrifying for me. I acted excited, I shared with my family and friends as if this was exactly what I wanted and I simply could not wait for what was to come. This was a lie. I didn't feel ready in the slightest, and this wasn't exactly how we had wanted our initial pregnancy to go. I had always wanted to be a mom, that was never the problem, but I wanted to enjoy marriage. You know, like they always say, "just--enjoy being married for awhile before you have kids". I didn't want to spend the first year of our lives together unable to have a glass of wine, or go out with our friends. I didn't want to be confined to my home, rocking a newborn to sleep and breastfeeding for what seemed at the time would be the rest of my life. Sure, we were careless on our honeymoon (I applaud those who aren't, because it isn't easy). We said, "if God wants us to have babies then so be it!" aaannd low & behold, it was! I remember even seeing the test turn positive that first week in November and even though Mitchell & I looked at each other beaming, exclaiming how excited we were--I still feel as though we were thinking the same thing, "We aren't ready for this."
My first trimester started with a downward spiral of depression, anger and confusion.
24.
Newly married.
Living in a tiny duplex.
How are we going to make this work?
Aren't you supposed to have a house when you have kids? Aren't you supposed to wait, what, like a year before you even think about kids? These are only a couple of lovely rules that had been engrained into my brain for some reason or another. Whether it be from the typical American dream or things I'd heard from friends. Not by anybody's fault, just simply because that's typically how things are "supposed" to go.
I felt that I had done everything right up until that point. I had been dating an incredible guy for 4 years, we knew what we wanted. Got engaged, got married, everything went according to "plan", until suddenly, it didn't. Everything got derailed and I was thrown into a whirlwind of emotion. I felt embarrassed. I felt scared. I felt helpless. Throughout my adult life I have wanted to be prepared for everything. I love to learn and expand my thoughts on numerous topics, no matter what it happens to be. Getting pregnant was not something I was prepared for. It was something I knew nothing about. I didn't know what to expect, nor did I even want to go through it all in the first place. I spent weeks in a zombie-like state. I would wake up, go to work, come home, and stare at the wall, or watch a TV show. I couldn't even tell you which one, because I never payed attention. Mitchell would come home and he would just hold me. He didn't expect anything from me--didn't tell me I needed to cheer up, didn't make me leave the house. He would just sit with me, and let me cry. I would tell him I couldn't take care of a kid. It would have to be his responsibility. Instead of telling me I'm crazy, or expressing concern, he would just stroke my arm and kiss my head. He knew I would get through it, and as I did he remained strong for me. A good Christian husband, I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't think he even realized how much he helped me during that time, or honestly if he even remembers doing things like that, but there's no way I could've gotten through it without him.
I remember telling friends and watching them light up. I tried to mimic their excitement, but I don't think I ever fooled anyone. At first I thought telling people would be good for me, but I realized quickly that wasn't the case. It made it worse. I would come home and cry myself to sleep. Furious at myself for not feeling the way I'm "supposed to". Pregnancy is said to be this incredible thing! Why couldn't I feel this joy that is supposed to come with pregnancy? I felt nothing but resentment, and anger. Mind you I had never struggled with depression before. I had a bit of situational depression after my mom died, but even that didn't last long. This was a whole new world for me and I was not coping with it well.
By the time Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around I had started to feel better. I had accepted it a bit more, and by then my family had found out and they have always been an incredible support system for me. I was able to talk and laugh and joke about it, laugh at myself for thinking there was no way we would get pregnant on our first time! I got advice from my cousin, who had just had her second boy. It felt good to talk with her. It eased a lot of my anxiety about the process. Those are good memories, ones that make me smile when I think back.
By the time my second trimester came around I was feeling pretty good. I could feel a bit of "pregnancy glow" that everyone raves about and I didn't feel absolutely exhausted 24 hours a day. Things were starting to look up until the oh so enjoyable weight gain that is most of pregnancy decided to make its debut.
I have never had a body image issue. I have never looked in the mirror and thought "ugh. I'm so fat", or "I gotta lay off the carbs," (at least in a serious way). I had always had a pretty good relationship with my body in terms of its appearance. Which honestly goes to show how wild pregnancy can be. Your hormones quite literally have a mind of their own. It feels impossible to control any feeling or emotion. I remember as my body started changing I would look in the mirror and feel sad. I knew I was beautiful, but I couldn't get myself to believe it. All I saw was what looked like a bloated belly, and pants that wouldn't button anymore. No matter what I did I couldn't shake it, I couldn't see past it. This entire process had just felt like I was overcoming one obstacle after another, rather than feeling sexy and empowered. I felt selfish--because there are so many women out there who would die to experience what I was going through. That was one of the hardest parts, knowing my burden was somebody else's fantasy.
The other thing I struggled with every day was not having my mother by my side. I wanted motherly advice. I wanted to cry to her about all these awful things I was feeling, and for her to tell me I wasn't the horrible person I felt I was. I dreamt of having her there during my labor. Holding my hand through contractions, hearing her tell me how proud she was of me. These were real dreams I had during this time specifically, and I would wake up feeling crushed that yet again it was only a dream. My mom is still gone, and she still won't be there when I give birth for the very first time.
Although this stage was emotionally challenging, I was able to power through it faster than my first trimester depression. It didn't help that this was February, March, so the weather was still miserable, but accepting my changing body came easier for me than grasping the fact that I now have the responsibility of raising an actual human being. Once my belly "popped" so to speak, it was easier for me to embrace the change.
Once I had finally cleared the emotional hurdle, I started to feel like myself, but better. My third trimester has easily been the most enjoyable for me. I've been able to fully embrace my belly with all the Target summer dresses I splurged on, the baby is super active, so I'm able to feel the life inside of me that Mitchell and I had created. After all this time I have finally started to feel that empowerment that a woman talks about during pregnancy, and it has felt so good. Third trimester is when I finally leaned on God and gave Him all the anxiety I had been feeling for months on end. It's when I have really buckled down and studied birth along with what to expect. Finding the right nourishing foods to prep my body for labor, going inward and discovering more and more of myself, coming to the realization that I'm about to go through the most incredible journey of my life, with the person I love the most, and I absolutely would not have it any other way.
Of course there are some physical deterrents, but nothing I'm not able to handle (with Mitchell's help, haha). Sleeping is difficult, but I know that the reward for sleepless nights and swollen feet is worth everything. I look back and I feel discouraged that I wasn't able to enjoy the entire process as much as I have enjoyed the past 2 and a half months. However, recognizing the growth that I have gone through feels incredible. I went from not wanting anything to do with pregnancy, and children, to giddy with excitement when I walk through the baby aisle. I get sad thinking about if this pregnancy never happened. I can't even imagine planning for anything else at this point in our lives. This is all I dream about, all I want--and the fact that I can say that with confidence after all the emotional hardship I went through, brings a smile to my lips.
As I end this word vomit that was a blog post, I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read this. Pregnancy was an incredibly hard journey for me, and it's been difficult to voice that to a lot of people. As I mentioned already, I hope you can show me grace, vulnerability isn't easy. Everyone is human, and every human has valid emotions. All I ask is that you respect mine.
With that I will leave you, and just know if you do happen to relate to this, that obviously you are not alone. Pregnancy is beautiful, but to say it isn't challenging would be a lie. Remember that there is not, nor will there ever be a "right way" to do things. Everyone has their own timeline, and God is in control of it. It took me 7 months to fully accept mine, but now that I have, I will never look back. This is my life, and I am overjoyed to say that.
Sincerely, Mir
